Choose Like Einstein
Author: Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

Albert Einstein gave us a truthful, if playful, formula. He said, "If A = success, the formula is A = X + Y with X being work, Y being play and Z, keeping your mouth shut.”

I cannot imagine there is anyone who, at some point, has not kicked themselves for saying something when that something would have been better left unsaid. For most of us with any degree of “awareness”, there is that internal voice, whispering, or screaming, “Don’t Do It!”, and yet, out it comes. We know better. We say it. We regret it. This apparently must have also happened to Einstein. Now, isn’t that reassuring?

There is another quote that goes something like this: It is easier to put a speeding bullet back into the gun, than to recall words once they have been spoken. We’ve all experienced the regret of the word spoken in anger, revenge or unmindfulness. As most of us are in relationships with others who are much like us, it is highly unlikely that their response to our carelessly chosen words is one of sweetness and light-and the struggle is on.

In counseling couples and giving relationship seminars, I call this the “ten-for-the-price-of-one” approach. If we had carefully, thoughtfully and mindfully refrained from those one or two comments, the one conversation we were having at that time would have stayed on track and, perhaps, been productive. By saying those fated words, we create the opportunity to escalate that one conversation. The tone of the conversation changes. The issue becomes broader, usually more personally offensive and more emotionally based. This leads us astray from the intent of the first conversation.

Here’s an example: Mary wants to talk to John about her discomfort when he regularly leaves the lid off the toothpaste. She tells him that it really bothers her and, although she knows it is her issue, she would like his help with it.

His choices:
A. “Oh, I didn’t know it bothered you that much. I love you and I will be happy to put the lid on the toothpaste.” (This man is a paragon of virtue ready for sainthood!)

B. “Oh, tell me more about that because I don’t understand it at all.” (He has some communication skills.)

C. “Oh, there you go again. You always have something to complain about. You’re just like your mother. (Oops, we’re soon likely to forget that the issue is the lid on the toothpaste!)

D. “Get over it! Get a life! or Give it up, _____!” ( We are certainly not going to solve the ‘lid on the toothpaste’ issue in the near future.)

Now we can have the " ten-for-the-price-of-one" conversations. The issue will come up again and again and become an ongoing example of Mary’s unreasonableness every time John wants to end a conversation. Recognize this? It’s common.

Try this. Stop and take a breath before you say those fated words that you really know may take you into a "10-for-1" conversation. Be curious. Ask for more information. Truly listen and intend to learn something about the other person. This has a way of changing relationships for the better. Here’s to Albert’s formula for success!








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Through her company, Optimize Life Now!, Rhoberta Shaler speaks to thousands of people each year giving them and their organizations ‘The OK’s to SUCCEED!" --the Optimization Keys to elevate results from acceptable to EXCEPTIONAL. She She is well-known for her gentle, effective blend of humor and wisdom. Visit: http://www.OptimizeLifeNow.com To reprint this article, contact the author at mailto:RS@OptimizeLifeNow.com

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