Some Say "Yippee" and Others Say "Yikes!" But Either Way We're Going: Home for the Holidays!
Author: Victoria Simon, Ph.D.

A woman called our office two weeks ago. She sounded anxious and a little timid about explaining why she was seeking our help. She finally shared that she had just booked her ticket to fly home for Thanksgiving and, rather than looking forward to the trip and the time she would spend with her loved ones, she was worried about the kinds of explosive family issues that had ruined, or at least clouded, previous holiday gatherings. She described growing up in a large, loving family - but the stressors that she experienced as a child and young adult were still haunting holiday events. Last Thanksgiving, she told us, she had changed her flight to return to Los Angeles two days early, much to the anger and disappointment of her parents and siblings, "because I just couldn't take it anymore!"

Whether it's your own family, your in-laws, or to the party of a close friend, the holiday season is about going "home." If your reaction to this prospect is more "Yikes" than "Yippee" it's time to know that you're not alone!


Here are our Talk Works tips for easing tension and resolving conflict to create an enjoyable holiday experience:

1. Establish your boundaries: Yes, now that you're all grown up you are able (and allowed) to make your own decisions about what will be comfortable for you. Rather than rushing forward with the traditional plans that were designed by someone else, take some time to think about what will make the holidays fun and memorable for you. Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them!

2. Ask questions and practice clear communication: Setting boundaries tends to be rather ineffective if you don't know what the holiday plans are - and if you don't communicate your needs and decisions ahead of time! Remember, the holidays are an occasion for everyone to enjoy. Setting your boundaries will ensure your enjoyment -communicating them up front avoids disappointment, hurt, and anger for your loved ones so that they can find pleasure the holidays, too. Yes, you may well get some flack about this, but it's far less stressful for everyone to have these conversations ahead of time rather than in the midst of the festivities. The more positive and reassuring your communication sounds, the less resistance you will get from your loved ones! (Not: "I'm only coming home for 5 days this year because I can't stand to be around Dad for any longer!" But: "I'm so excited to be coming home for Thanksgiving! I know you were hoping I'd be there for longer but I appreciate how supportive your being of the fact that I also want to spend some time with my friends here as well.")

3. Be a team player: As a grown-up you are not only allowed to set your own boundaries, but you're also responsible for controlling your own childish impulses! What does it mean to be a team player during the holidays? It means that you will not embarrass, undermine, belittle, criticize or speak unkind words to anyone - and you will do what you can to ensure that others don't do this either. Being a team player means that you will practice deep breathing, self meditation or will duck into a private room every hour to call your best friend for moral support so that you feel free to praise, help, compliment, and enjoy your loved ones. The goal is for you and the rest of your friends and family to feel that the holidays are a time of minimal stress and maximum joy.

4. Slow Down: Between trying to finish work, shop, see friends, travel to family and attend all those great holiday parties we often feel like we need a holiday and the end of the "holiday" season. When we are over-tired and pulled in too many directions minor family irritations can become major sources of conflict. Yes, of course we all have long "to do" lists at this time of year, but make sure you take time to exercise, sleep, and relax in the midst of the fray. It will make it far easier to brush off the family eccentricities.

5. Get ready to laugh! How is it that we can laugh so easily at National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, but not at the antics of our own families? Give your sense of humor a chance to work for you this year. You are guaranteed to have far more fun over the holidays if you decide ahead of time that you are going find things funny rather than frustrating. Remember, you're behavior is laughable, too, so stay open to laughing at yourself! You and your family can have a holiday season filled with giggles rather than with growls. We suggest you lead the way.







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Dr. Victoria Simon, Ph.D. is the CEO and co-founder of a conflict-resolution firm based in Beverly Hills, California. With her background in Forensic Psychology and a decade of experience working in the jails and prisons of California, Dr. Simon has developed revolutionary conflict-resolution programs to train individuals, couples, businesses and organizations nationwide how to communicate their way to successful relationships.

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